Slowing Down

This topic has been showing up for me over and over again. The universe or God or whatever you want to call our higher power, told me to slow down repeatedly. Probably before I even was listening. But the universe got louder, as it usually does, until I listened.

I thought I wanted to be the best therapist out there. I spent time reading, researching, asking questions, constantly striving to build a successful practice. To find the answers for my clients. To prove to everyone that I was a woman who could have it all. I could be the wife of a man in law enforcement and handle the stress just fine. I could raise my two daughters with all my therapist knowledge. I could run a business, be a kick ass therapist who was healing the world one soul at a time, eat clean, be the social butterfly of my friend group, make enough money that I never worried, all while keeping my house spotless of course.

I know, as you're reading this, you can so clearly see how I ended up getting smacked in the face with the lesson to slow down. It's funny how humans just can't see until they're past it or its someone else's story. Before my health took a turn, I was telling my support system that it felt like too much. I didn't know how to resolve it though. I couldn't let go of all of the things I had my hands in. I couldn't afford to let go. If I didn't do all the things, if I didn't strive, if I didn't work hard enough, it wouldn't happen. Then I got sick. Like literally not capable of pushing through sick, in the hospital multiple times (once via ambulance) getting all the tests sick. I didn't have a choice but to allow this message to really sink in.

I ended up missing a lot of days of work. My house fell apart. I no longer could take care of my kids the way I had been trying so hard to do. I couldn't worry about all the things anymore. Even though I'm still healing, I can already see what a gift this was though.

When I realized that I could no longer afford not to let go, everything changed. I started making radical decisions. I started giving responsibilities back to other people. I spent time exploring what I was even chasing and I realized, I wasn't even chasing what I really wanted. I was working so hard at creating the perfect life, that I was missing out on life.

Now, I'm enjoying each day more, time with my kids more, my job more because I've slowed down. I see less clients to allow balance for my own self care. I pause to play with my children while the house is messy. I take the nap after work and if dinners not on time, then maybe someone else will be hungry enough to make dinner!

To be honest, I'm still working on it. It's not even from bad intentions. Sometimes it from habit, sometimes it's because I really want to do the thing or I want the thing done ( who doesn't love the feeling of freshly cleaned floors?). Sometimes though it's because I'm not slowing down enough to ask myself what do I really want in life? What do I really need right now in this moment?

Creating a life from this place has its consequences, but the rewards seem so much greater!